my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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