please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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