Swine flu. Run for my life!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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