I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wish you could order shots online.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
