this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
