There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
