So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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