Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
