I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize