my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
