Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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