Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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