Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
