dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
