If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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