there's paper in my vomit.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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