god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
