I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
