I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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