____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
