Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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