there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
