i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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