i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You smell like stripper and shame
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
