does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
