I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
