we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
