When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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