I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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