Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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