in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
