rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
