do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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