I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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