Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
