Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
