i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
