Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
