8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
