but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
