i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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