She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
