Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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