I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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