Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Randomize
