Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
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