4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
