I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
