i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
