She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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