I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
