when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
