i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
