He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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