My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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