he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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