I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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